I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
