I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
