I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
