Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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