Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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