The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
