Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
