Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
