i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
