I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
