Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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