Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
