oh god the rape fog is back!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
