I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
