Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
