He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
