Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
