turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
