Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
