Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
