My sheets look like a crime scene.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
