You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
