Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
