I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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