my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
false alarm, still single
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
