I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All I want is dick and wine.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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