Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
BRING THE BAGELS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
