Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
