Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
