evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
