I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
