I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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