At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
