Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
