I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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