I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
