you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
