Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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