I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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