she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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