probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
