Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
