70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
