Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
