i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
