when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
