My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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