Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
