Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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