i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
