It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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