I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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